I have seen this a LOT recently - 'Gifts for children with ASD' or 'Are you stuck? Perfect gifts for children with ASD' etc. It makes me really sad.
Not only are there these headline style adverts targeting parents of children with autism, but also a plethora of posts on social media from parents, asking other parents what they should get their child for Christmas, because they have ASD and don't play with toys or are sensory seekers etc.
I am no expert. This is only my opinion, but I feel deeply upset for these children.
We were looking for pantomime tickets a few weeks ago and came across a listing for 'autism friendly' shows. Further investigation revealed that these have all the fun aspects of the pantomime removed, all the parts that make the pantomime a pantomime, leaving a bland, lack lustre show that would still scare my children and be just as overloading for them as the original show, just without the fun parts.
Those of you who have read my posts to now will know I have three children, all of whom have autism diagnoses, all of whom have sensory processing difficulties, and all of whom are children. Yes, that's right, they are still children. I wish I could shake some of these parents and remind them their children are children. Just because our children have ASD it does not mean that they should only have a blanket and a chewy necklace for Christmas. Equally, it does not mean that they should have nothing in order to save their anxiety over Christmas presents. The NAS has information to help guide families and children through the changes of Christmas and the anxieties this can bring: http://www.autism.org.uk/about/family-life/holidays-trips/christmas.aspx
Before you rush to the comment section, please think about this. I know all children, families and parents are different. Indeed, many do not celebrate Christmas for various reasons, unrelated to ASD. I am aware that some children do not like surprises or secrets and want to know exactly what gifts they will be having before they get them. I know that families have widely varying finances and budgets, and I am aware of just how wide a spectrum ASD is. But....they are children.
When you think about the anxieties that are caused by change, and not being in control, then you can easily see the challenges of Christmas for a child (or adult) with ASD. Houses and street look different, there are new lights everywhere, shops all look and sound different, smells are changed, people wear different clothes to normal, programmes on TV are different, food changes, boxes and packaging looks different, adverts on TV and the radio are all geared towards Christmas- the list goes on. Even their own home changes- no matter how sensitively or minimally, it still changes. There is no escaping it for them, and children react in different ways to these changes. There is no denying it is a stressful time for all those who have or live with those who have ASD. However, that does not mean that we should further single them out as different by subscribing to the advertising reinforcing that message.
When I think back to my childhood, specifically to Christmases as I was growing up, I always struggled with the social aspects of having people in my house who were essentially strangers, of having to wear ridiculous clothes that itched and felt terrible, I hated the smells of Christmas dinner and then the alcohol and people smell that is inevitable when you cram 14 people into one room to eat a long drawn out meal. I never understood the pomp and circumstance that surrounded our family Christmas- and indeed boxing day- each year, and very often would receive gifts that I honestly did not want, need or know how to receive, but I never cared. I could sit there with a little pile of gifts, whilst everyone else did the same, opening mine quietly whilst the more gregarious characters oohed and ahhed at theirs, grabbing all the attention, gladly removing it from me in the corner, trying to save the ribbons and bows, saving the gift tags, always noticing who had thrown their £10 in the rubbish pile, watching people opening the gifts I had wrapped up for them. For me it was never about what I had, more about the quiet time when i could hide away, the watching of other people and observing how others behaved when opening their gifts and compared them with others. Despite this, if I had got a blanket or a body sock when all the others had cash, chocolates and toys, I would have been singled out and felt it.
I have no diagnosis of ASD, and have never pursued an assessment. I strongly suspect that the children's autism genetically stems from me though, and see so much of myself in my eldest daughter in particular (which is great for her as i completely understand how she thinks and feels about things most of the time). That is another post for another time though. The relevance here is that I never really played with toys either. I loved cuddly toys- I had cupboards full and remember being literally devastated when my plush rocking horse was thrown in the tip when I was 17 years old. I did move on to collecting cat items- ornaments etc for a while, but even now I have a few cuddly toys that are mine. I always knew what I would like for Christmas as a child- invariably a cuddly toy, and I remember the conversations that ensued each year when my list for Father Christmas was asking for more cuddly toys, trying to persuade me that I did not need any more cuddlies, that I would need to thrown out some before I could get any more, that Father Christmas made toys, not cuddlies etc. It never worked with me. I still always wanted the same things. My daughter is exactly the same.
My son didn't ask Santa for anything particular this year. He doesn't know what he wants other than - ready for this??- a laptop, an ipad and lots of Robucks.
My youngest daughter asked Santa for a list of toys that she has been compiling and checking repeatedly since the summer. Many of the items on there I have never seen anywhere, but have had to do some searching about.
There are specific items that they all need, including weighted blankets, a writing desk ramp, a specialist trike taxi so they can all ride bikes together, the constant replenishing of their clothes and shoes ( the same ones of course) , replacement dummies and chewy sensory items, but I will not be giving them these as their Christmas gift. They will be having items from their letters to Santa for Christmas. Of course they will be getting some additional items too to fill their stocking a little more, and a special gift each from us as parents too, but none of these will have been marketed as being for children with ASD.
I have little doubt that parents of children with any additional need or medical diagnosis will have found this same phenomenon expanding over recent years- the bombardment of targeted marketing from online stores, aiming products at your child's specific needs. Imagine if Toys R Us or Smyths (or others) advertised their toys as being specifically for children without ASD?
For us, the plan is to proceed with caution, monitoring their reactions, feelings and anxieties every turn, whilst continuing to educate them in life through experiences, being sensitive to their needs and preferences wherever possible, guiding them through every step, supporting them with their sensory needs, carrying a backpack full of aids and distractions, but overall treating them the same as any other child the same age, to the best of our abilities.....regardless of what others may say from the outside.
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