It's been a while...

Over the last couple of weeks it feels as if time has been crawling slowly towards the end of September. As an individual, I have started to try and recover from the events of this year (and I don't include covid-19 in that).I am trying my best to not try and contact Mr J any more. Every time I ring and he doesn't answer, it cuts a little more into my heart. The messages that aren't even read, texts unanswered and, despite the help of all mutual contacts (except his father's family) him still ignoring me, all hurt. I am certain he knows that, somewhere deep inside him. I have gone through phases of thinking with it all. At first I just expected him to answer. Then, when it became clear that was not going to happen easily, I thought maybe, if I kept ringing it would annoy him enough to answer, even if just to shout at me. That didn't work either. So I gave up trying. But then, the one time my phone was in another room from me, on charge, I missed a call from him. I took that as a sign he might be open to speaking to me, so tried ringing again. It sent me right back to the beginning of the process. 

More recently, I have been trying my hardest to leave him be. To not try any more to contact him. I know he has PDA, I know answering the calls and texts is a demand. I understand that means he will try to avoid it. But, it feels so wrong too.

To try and make myself feel a little better I have had my hair dyed a couple of times. 

(photo of me having my newly dyed pink and blue hair dried)

My husband has been dying it for me, using semi permanent hair dye by Crazy Color. It it so easy to use and I am not allergic to it (yes, I was amazed too).

Miss A, Miss G and their friend have all had their hair dyed too- I spent one day dying their hair, one after the other. We did try Manic Panic dye, but it didn't last long in their hair and seemed to leak onto their skin, but we didn't have that problem before. I have stopped making myself feel bad for the weight gain on all these medications and bought a capsule wardrobe of clothes that are the right size for me and that I actually like.

I have also been trying to get out and about to new, accessible places locally, with the excuse of the dogs needing a walk. 

(photo taken over the stone wall of a reservoir, looking across the water to the other side, surrounded with trees)

We were able to walk all the way around this reservoir. There was also a path that lead off the main route, towards a waterfall. It was pretty bumpy, but I managed to get almost to the end...so close, but not to the waterfall.

With the weather changing, my hayfever has kicked in now, making outdoor trips more difficult and painful. Just this afternoon I ventured out into the back garden to check on our plants and flowers. Within an hour of returning inside my eye has been streaming, itching and hurting.  But, we do have these out there...

(three photos of flowers from my garden. One is a large purple flower in full bloom, then french lavender and finally a pink and yellow rose)

and our mystery fruit bush is growing well, so it might bear fruit next season, as might our strawberries and pineberries. 

I have excavated a cavemand from a plaster block, painted an abstract painting for our wall, cleaned what I can, coloured in another two colouring books and tried reading as much as I can, but Ican't concentrate enough.

Sleep is still eluding me. I was still awake at 4am today. But I am still going.

This afternoon I discovered a new song called Who I Am, by an artist called Roma. Apparently she donates all her income from singing to charity. 

Tomorrow is my birthday. Nine days ago would have been my Grandma's birthday, and inbetween the two are the birthdays of my inlaws. Miss A is so excited about my birthday and keeps asking if I am too. On goes the mummy face with the smile, nod and reassurance that, of course I am. But really? I am looking forward to a meal out together with no drama. I am looking forward to a day of knowing, for certain, without having to stop and think about it or work it out, how old I am. I am also looking forward to seeing what cake she chose for me :)

But, it will be a weird birthday without Mr J here. 

The best bit about my birthday?- it signifies exactly 3 months until Christmas day haha

🦋🦋🦋

Social media

Before you read this- TRIGGER WARNING- self harm, suicide.

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Maybe, as a 38 year old mum, I am old fashioned and out of touch. Perhaps I grew up in a different world to that which is available now. It is possible I have been naive.

But

I can remember watching Hollyoaks as a teenager, seeing the character played by Gemma Atkinson self harm. She secretly hid a metal pencil tin in her room with a compass point, which she used to scratch and cut her arm. I can remember being horrified that someone would even do that.

I can also remember other scenes from Hollyoaks from around the same time. One where a boy hired the pool and surprisesd his girlfriend with candles all around the poolside. One where a character developed epilepsy. It isn't just that one scene that I can recall.

As I have grown up, I have come to realise the importance of these soaps in addressing current issues. I can see why they discuss adoption, mental health issues, self harm, diabetes, marriage, divorce and financial issues. The impact a storyline on domestic abuse can have is massive. There is one going on now that fills all the soap news slots on TV. This one hits too close to home for me, being about coercive control and the 'Jekyll and Hyde' personality the man has. I can't watch it.

Important and essential life events and issues are brought to the forefront through these huge national shows. They sometimes get treated as if they are real, rather than a fictional storyline, but that is great for the charities associated with these areas of life.

When I was growing up there was no social media. We just about had the internet, but it was pretty basic still. Our school IT lessons consisted of using Microsoft programmes, basic web searches for pictures and hand written notes. There was no facebook, twitter, myspace, instagram, snapchat or other social media. 

Let's take a minute for you to take that in if you're younger than me.

Also, whilst we are at it, thre were no mobile phones either.

Right, you OK now? We had to ring people's houses and ask to speak to them. If someone else in the house picked up another phone, they could hear your conversation (something that always happened to me). Later on yahoo set up group chats and chat rooms became popular. You had to write in full sentences and there were no emojis. But, you could make friends with people you didn't know in real life that way. You could also chat with people who had the same interests as you.

As social media has begun in my twenties and thirties, I have joined most of them, seen their benefits and pitfalls and, now as a mum, am terrified as technology seems to be flying faster than life can run. Trying to keep up with safety for my children is tough, but I do my best to teach them safety and have to trust them.

I used facebook for selling crafts, chatting with people with similar interests, buying and selling, storing photos and keeping in touch with people. Twitter is still elusive to me. i don't really understand it, but i do use it and have an account linked to my instagram. Instagram is straightforward enough- I can cope with that. Snapchat and the rest are just there. I have accounts with most of them but don't regularly use them because 1. life is too short, 2. I can say and do everything on facebook and instagram and 3. I don't have the time.

I have also used social media to keep up to date with events that are relevant to us, local groups and the news. Having children with additional needs can be lonely, so I have found the groups on social media to be a lifeline. Sharing tips and strategies, therapist information and offering and receiving support. More recently, I have found the same sense of community through groups for people with disabilities and chronic illnesses. 

However, there are limits to my knowledge and understanding on all of social media. When instagram says 'link in bio...' I have no idea what that means. I don't know what someone means when they say to send them a message with their 'handle' (?) - do they mean to write a post and tag them in it? or to direct message them? 😕

After having my youngest, I suffered with postnatal depression and anxiety. We had a lot going on at the same time and it all got too much for me to cope with mentally. My health visitor was brilliant and spotted the changes in me, encouraged me to get help and checked on me through the whole time and afterwards. I went through some very dark days for well over a year and found coping mechanisms that included self harm.

Not many people know that. 

I spoke with a counsellor face to face, a charity worker through social media and, eventually, my husband. It became manageable over time as medication, CBT and counselling took effect. I was able to find other strategies to control my emotions, to cope with the life changing events that were going on and was able to stop self harming. 

Everytime we go throguh a highly stressful time, it is there, like a gone off cucumber at the back of the fridge. It is lurking but you don't want to deal with it. You don't want to go there but you know it is bound to happen some time or other. Other problems, events and thoguhts are put in the way, distracting you, keeping your mind busy. Hobbies, crafts, art, anything that keeps you busy. But eventually, all of that stops helping, you can't find anything else to go there and you have to deal with the rotten cucumber. 

That has started to happen recently for me. 

I have been colouring adult colouring books, reading library books, reading books I have found online, playing minecraft, crafting. drawing, painting, gardening, taking photographs, writing, completing calming sticker books and watching TV, but I still keep getting texts, unanswered calls, reminders and can't cope with things. 

My main 'problem' at the moment is my son leaving. He won't communicate with me. Not in speech, photo, message or writing. Nothing. His biological father is useless. He blames everything on me, always has done, and doesn't believe my son's diagnoses. He has always said it is behavioural and a parenting issue when we have asked for a break before now. Now I need to speak with my son, he won't help one bit. 

A bit of context- my son doesn't even live with him. He didn't take him in. Instead, my son is living with his biological father's parents.

I know my son is in the bedroom his father had when I was with him. I know the layout of the house, the area, the people, the wider family. I grew up in the city where he is now living. 

I keep having vivid dreams where I am back there, seeing him in that house. 

If my son wants nothing more to do with me, I need to know. Equally, if he needs time to work things out, I need to know. I can't cope with the not knowing. The calls he doesn't answer. The texts, messages and photos he doesn't even view. It is killing me.

All I want is to speak to him, to ask him what he wants and then i will know. I will know what he wants and I will have something to face. At the moment I don't know whether he wants to cut me out of his life forever or if this is temporaary whilst something else is going on. I don't know whether to keep trying to contact him or not. I have no answers as to whether to maintain or give up hope.

I only told my husband the extent of my distress a couple of days ago. I know he is worried. I know he was worried last time it got to this point. I am scared to tell anyone, so answer no to the 'do you have any thoughts of harming yourself?' because I don't want my girls being taken away. I don't want to be taken away.

The charity worker i spoke with previously was excellent. 

I tried looking the charity up the other day. I got nowhere on facebook, so decided to try instagram. Lots of things seem to be moving over to instagram from facebook, so I thought I might have better luck there.

Not knowing the name of the charity (it was eight years ago), I typed in 'self harm' into the search section. 

Don't do it.

I was shocked and upset by the results I saw.

So many vulnerable people are there, online, sharing their pain with the world. A few are private accounts, some are there to offer help- but you don't know who they really are. There are the odd trigger warning on the accounts and lots of messages on there about suicide too. But not what I need. No way fo finding the help and support I was looking for.

Besides, I generally find, unless you are in a specific social media group, you just get the 'hope you feel better soon hun' or '((hugs))' as a message, even from people who know you. 'hun' really annoys me. I think it's like 'sweetheart' in Cardiff. I know there are people who want attention and will post something like 'feeling shit' and nothing else. Then everyone comments and checks they are doing alright. But when you are posting something serious, with details and need help, I don't know that social media is the right place. I just don't think the correct, helpful support is there that way.

I write this blog as a parent, a disabled adult, a mum to children with autism and other additional needs and a person with chronic illnesses, but I don't dothat for any pity or comments. My blog is here to get things out of my head, to share the parts of life people don't talk about and are hidden to the outside. My instagram is also there for the same reason. I do read the comments, I do check out other people's blogs and accounts (unless they comment about some person who magically healed their chronic illnesses through yoga, meditation and a positive attitude....really?...or are selling turmeric, herbs or other), I do reply and it works for getting things out of my head. Even with this post, about something people didn't know before, there are things I won't post publically. 

The only purpose of this post is to bring up the fact that there are people going through the same coping strategies as i am, but they aredefining themselves by it. You are not your coping mechanism. You are not your illness or your trauma. It all shapes you and makes you into the wonderful, colourful mess you are (just as I am), but keep some of yourself for just you. See that it is only a part of you.

Feeling suicidal is no joke. It is an extremely dark place. Social media, in my opinion, is not the place to be seeking support for those thoughts. 

To those who have an account just to tell us 'don't do it'- that doesn't help. If you take away the one coping mechanism people have, what is left? It isn't so simple as you might think or wish.

I have found my GP to be useless. I have been honest with them about my thoughts and been sent away with a leaflet, even though i told them I had already tried the people at the other end of the leaflet and they told me my situation was too complex for them to deal with.

I have told my GP I need help and they have ignored me. I have taken my husband with me and still been ignored.

Only through the covid changes tothe GP practice, where they telephone triage us now, have I managed to get a referral for some help. The problem is that help is no seeing people because of Covid and has a waiting list of 'several weeks'. In the meantime there is nothing. Just survival.

Emailing the Samaritans at jo@samaritans.org is something I have found useful, also emailing family lives, but I haven't told them about self harm, just that I am not coping.

If you know me in realy life, sorry if this shocked you, but it is a part of me, just like all the trauma I have been through is. It doesn't change the person you know, I am still me and this has been an ongoing battle for many years. So please don't judge me, but if you can point me towards support I would be grateful.

If you know me in real life and are also struggling with these same issues, please find the confindence to chat about it. In person, on paper or text. Safely.

This has no impact on my skills as a Mum, wife or any other part of my life for my children or husband. Yes I am still worried to ask for help through those channels we all know can be scary and sometimes deaf to our pleas for help.

Please stay safe.

A day in pictures

This was how my 'relaxing day in the sun' began. I pass this area on my way down the ramp tothe back garden, so we have most of our potted plants together. I love it- they are so bright and smell amazing too. We already have bees visiting and a plethora of butterflies too. Our of shot are angel wings, roses, herbs and a selection of colourful flowers. We are also hoping the meadow flower mix will take but perhaps we left it a tad late this year.

The bark sesemed dry so I decided to top them up with water early on, givew them a fighting chance. The heat hit me as I left the house, like when you go on holiday and leave the aeroplane to a wall of warmth. I was so impressed with the strength of the rainbow it deserved to be captured in a photograph. If only it was that easy to create a pot of gold at the end too ...

Hubby arrived home with Miss G and her BFF just as Miss A was getting into mischief in the hot tub. I haad found myself a sunny area to relax in with my books, drinks and dogs and had even been able to drag a chair around again as a foot rest for my terribly swollen feet and legs (not heat related). The dogs had their campbed out in the shade (of course they didn't use it, preferring to lie in the sun and pant terribly (so Miss A soaked them a few times to help cool them down, especially our largest). We started off with two of these water cannons, ended up with just one, but the girls all had good fun soaking eachother, making it rain and cleaning the top floor windows. Strict rules over not soaking me or my chair were about it. The trampoline, garden and all who entered it were fair game.

Miss A and I had prepared for the day together as we left the house by collecting jars of water and adding mint. Apparently wasps don't like mint plants so it was something we had to try. I was ready with my Migralens overglasses on, two books to read, umbrella (it did rain later on a few times so I just carried on sitting there in the sticky heat, but in the shade of our beautiful inside out umbrella). 

I don't know how I managed it, but i finished reading How to be human, then moved on to this book pictured and have got to the point where the plot is becoming unravelled and it is getting more interesting. It seemed that I was being called every few seconds 'mummy...'.....'mummy....' with the oddest questions (actually fairly regular in our home). Between Miss A calling me, Miss G getting hot and bothered and not coping very well with it, then her BFF being left outside whilst Miss G calmed down again, I don't know how I managed to take in anything from the books or my surroundings. I felt like having bacon on the barbecue so did a quick amazon now order and we waited for our early evening delivery.

As soon as the delivery was made- Morrisons food in brown paper bags- the veg was chopped, sausages and bacon on a clean tray and out we went. The BBQ was heated (gas thank goodness or we would still be out there now waiting for it to heat up from our previous experiences), and on went our tea. We had sweet potato slices, courgette slices, onions, mixed vegetables, peppers (I love them when the skin is burnt and bubbles), gluten free chipolatas and, of course, bacon. 

We were umming and ahhing over whether to purchase a barbecue. Not being huge meat eaters we wondered whether it would be worth the money- would it be used enough? Since we have had it and found the patio gas we have had atleast four barbecues already. Vegetable kebabs, melted cheese on sausages...delicious. We were talking last night about whether we should have gone for the larger size- it never seems to be just our family here, we always have visitors....maybe next year 

After all the sun, reading, children, cooking, eating and drinking, a dip in thehot tub was in order. Not very dignified or graceful, but I got in and out safely

What do you see?

On our last walk outdoors we visited a local garden that has reopened to the public following closure due to coronavirus. Outdoor attractions seem to have the current advantage with the pandemic and rules over face masks. I certainly feel safer going outdoors than indoors anywhere at the moment, regardless of how much PPE people are covered in.

Things were slightly different to pre-covid19, we had to pre book before arriving at our designated time slot and then social distancing was advised throughout the area, although not always adhered to. There were arrows on the ground in an attempt at a one way system and most of the park area was closed for the children. Nothing felt awkward or over done.

We took hundreds of photographs along the way of beautiful plants, fairies, water birds and wooden sculptures. Here are just a couple of examples:

Not even the ferocious mosquitoes and gnats could put us off hiding under a tree to have our sandwiches, crisps and warm drinks whilst overlooking the lake and watching others, sitting at tables trying to pretend the rain wasn’t bothering them. 

Towards the end of our time there we meandered through the flower gardens where there are maze-like paths through different coloured plants. Many were so overgrown I had no chance of getting my wheelchair through them, but Miss G was an excellent assistant when it came to getting photographs of flowers out of my reach.

One particular area caught my attention. There was a bush full of these flowers (see above). They were in various stages of bloom and reminded me of dandelion clocks. (that reminds me- I must look into whether a dandelion clock becomes a yellow dandelion flower).

Each flower was protected by the seed ball which then peeled open to further its species, revealing this awesome sight. Seeing the petals curled up like this reminded me of nests, mother animals creating a safe and sheltered environment for their young, scaring off predators or interfering guests (don’t pretend you don’t understand that one). The bold and uninviting looking ‘spikes’ to keep potential danger away until they are ready to fend for themselves and accept visitors not dissimilar to a bitch growling, a snake hissing or a mother ignoring the front door and telephone.

It also made me think of the safety people feel within their own cocoon, be that alone or with friends and/or family. When the shit hits the fan, we all want to retreat to that cocoon of safety where we can count on support and rest to recuperate, gain strength and emerge when we are ready. 

I was brought up to hide the pieces of broken up shit under the legs of the fan, to keep it all inside and always think about what the outside perception would be. The favourite sentences uttered would be “What will people think?” and “Oh, it can’t be that bad really...it always happens to you doesn’t it" in a condescending, disbelieving tone.

I learned very young to not bother trying to seek support within the family home, to keep everything hidden and try my best to just carry on. As I have navigated through a rough and bumpy life i have come to see that is a very unhealthy way of trying to manage problems, and i do not recommend it. It is very difficult to undo years of being told one way of coping though. The one person I could go to sadly passed away 12 years ago now. I have a good friend who is feeling this pain now after suddenly losing her safety net too. There is no age limit on how this can have a devastating effect on us, but asa with everythin in life, it is how we manage to get through and cope with everything that is thown at us that makes us stronger. (I keep telling myself that- maybe one day it will work haha). As a family unit we are alone in the world. We have friends, but no family we can chat to or rely on. We can't call on a mum for support or help, can't pop over for a cup of tea and a natter or ask them to pick the kids up. Having children I think makes that safety net of a wider network more important for us all. Friends become family and we all find our way into support and understanding.

Once this flower has bloomed and gone out into the world, it will be alone, watching others still in their cocoon, others fighting for survival in the same position they are in and being admired by people like me, who probably think way too far into a simple flower blooming in the summer sun.

Mummy Down

I’m screaming but you don’t hear me

Why don’t you listen? 

Look at me- I’m right here

How can you leave me like this? 

Can’t you see I’m hurting?

Assistance needed now, in distress

Or do you hear? See? 

But not care

Walking straight over me, 

The pain of watching you pass

Tears through me, deepening the hurt

I opened my heart to you

How can you just walk by

Oblivious, you’re responsible

Disbelief, dejection, heartbreak

We were tight, bonded

Broken

Humour, wit, openness

Closed off, Blocked

I always had your back,

Always showed up,

Where are you now?

Mummy down

...