Social media

Before you read this- TRIGGER WARNING- self harm, suicide.

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Maybe, as a 38 year old mum, I am old fashioned and out of touch. Perhaps I grew up in a different world to that which is available now. It is possible I have been naive.

But

I can remember watching Hollyoaks as a teenager, seeing the character played by Gemma Atkinson self harm. She secretly hid a metal pencil tin in her room with a compass point, which she used to scratch and cut her arm. I can remember being horrified that someone would even do that.

I can also remember other scenes from Hollyoaks from around the same time. One where a boy hired the pool and surprisesd his girlfriend with candles all around the poolside. One where a character developed epilepsy. It isn't just that one scene that I can recall.

As I have grown up, I have come to realise the importance of these soaps in addressing current issues. I can see why they discuss adoption, mental health issues, self harm, diabetes, marriage, divorce and financial issues. The impact a storyline on domestic abuse can have is massive. There is one going on now that fills all the soap news slots on TV. This one hits too close to home for me, being about coercive control and the 'Jekyll and Hyde' personality the man has. I can't watch it.

Important and essential life events and issues are brought to the forefront through these huge national shows. They sometimes get treated as if they are real, rather than a fictional storyline, but that is great for the charities associated with these areas of life.

When I was growing up there was no social media. We just about had the internet, but it was pretty basic still. Our school IT lessons consisted of using Microsoft programmes, basic web searches for pictures and hand written notes. There was no facebook, twitter, myspace, instagram, snapchat or other social media. 

Let's take a minute for you to take that in if you're younger than me.

Also, whilst we are at it, thre were no mobile phones either.

Right, you OK now? We had to ring people's houses and ask to speak to them. If someone else in the house picked up another phone, they could hear your conversation (something that always happened to me). Later on yahoo set up group chats and chat rooms became popular. You had to write in full sentences and there were no emojis. But, you could make friends with people you didn't know in real life that way. You could also chat with people who had the same interests as you.

As social media has begun in my twenties and thirties, I have joined most of them, seen their benefits and pitfalls and, now as a mum, am terrified as technology seems to be flying faster than life can run. Trying to keep up with safety for my children is tough, but I do my best to teach them safety and have to trust them.

I used facebook for selling crafts, chatting with people with similar interests, buying and selling, storing photos and keeping in touch with people. Twitter is still elusive to me. i don't really understand it, but i do use it and have an account linked to my instagram. Instagram is straightforward enough- I can cope with that. Snapchat and the rest are just there. I have accounts with most of them but don't regularly use them because 1. life is too short, 2. I can say and do everything on facebook and instagram and 3. I don't have the time.

I have also used social media to keep up to date with events that are relevant to us, local groups and the news. Having children with additional needs can be lonely, so I have found the groups on social media to be a lifeline. Sharing tips and strategies, therapist information and offering and receiving support. More recently, I have found the same sense of community through groups for people with disabilities and chronic illnesses. 

However, there are limits to my knowledge and understanding on all of social media. When instagram says 'link in bio...' I have no idea what that means. I don't know what someone means when they say to send them a message with their 'handle' (?) - do they mean to write a post and tag them in it? or to direct message them? 😕

After having my youngest, I suffered with postnatal depression and anxiety. We had a lot going on at the same time and it all got too much for me to cope with mentally. My health visitor was brilliant and spotted the changes in me, encouraged me to get help and checked on me through the whole time and afterwards. I went through some very dark days for well over a year and found coping mechanisms that included self harm.

Not many people know that. 

I spoke with a counsellor face to face, a charity worker through social media and, eventually, my husband. It became manageable over time as medication, CBT and counselling took effect. I was able to find other strategies to control my emotions, to cope with the life changing events that were going on and was able to stop self harming. 

Everytime we go throguh a highly stressful time, it is there, like a gone off cucumber at the back of the fridge. It is lurking but you don't want to deal with it. You don't want to go there but you know it is bound to happen some time or other. Other problems, events and thoguhts are put in the way, distracting you, keeping your mind busy. Hobbies, crafts, art, anything that keeps you busy. But eventually, all of that stops helping, you can't find anything else to go there and you have to deal with the rotten cucumber. 

That has started to happen recently for me. 

I have been colouring adult colouring books, reading library books, reading books I have found online, playing minecraft, crafting. drawing, painting, gardening, taking photographs, writing, completing calming sticker books and watching TV, but I still keep getting texts, unanswered calls, reminders and can't cope with things. 

My main 'problem' at the moment is my son leaving. He won't communicate with me. Not in speech, photo, message or writing. Nothing. His biological father is useless. He blames everything on me, always has done, and doesn't believe my son's diagnoses. He has always said it is behavioural and a parenting issue when we have asked for a break before now. Now I need to speak with my son, he won't help one bit. 

A bit of context- my son doesn't even live with him. He didn't take him in. Instead, my son is living with his biological father's parents.

I know my son is in the bedroom his father had when I was with him. I know the layout of the house, the area, the people, the wider family. I grew up in the city where he is now living. 

I keep having vivid dreams where I am back there, seeing him in that house. 

If my son wants nothing more to do with me, I need to know. Equally, if he needs time to work things out, I need to know. I can't cope with the not knowing. The calls he doesn't answer. The texts, messages and photos he doesn't even view. It is killing me.

All I want is to speak to him, to ask him what he wants and then i will know. I will know what he wants and I will have something to face. At the moment I don't know whether he wants to cut me out of his life forever or if this is temporaary whilst something else is going on. I don't know whether to keep trying to contact him or not. I have no answers as to whether to maintain or give up hope.

I only told my husband the extent of my distress a couple of days ago. I know he is worried. I know he was worried last time it got to this point. I am scared to tell anyone, so answer no to the 'do you have any thoughts of harming yourself?' because I don't want my girls being taken away. I don't want to be taken away.

The charity worker i spoke with previously was excellent. 

I tried looking the charity up the other day. I got nowhere on facebook, so decided to try instagram. Lots of things seem to be moving over to instagram from facebook, so I thought I might have better luck there.

Not knowing the name of the charity (it was eight years ago), I typed in 'self harm' into the search section. 

Don't do it.

I was shocked and upset by the results I saw.

So many vulnerable people are there, online, sharing their pain with the world. A few are private accounts, some are there to offer help- but you don't know who they really are. There are the odd trigger warning on the accounts and lots of messages on there about suicide too. But not what I need. No way fo finding the help and support I was looking for.

Besides, I generally find, unless you are in a specific social media group, you just get the 'hope you feel better soon hun' or '((hugs))' as a message, even from people who know you. 'hun' really annoys me. I think it's like 'sweetheart' in Cardiff. I know there are people who want attention and will post something like 'feeling shit' and nothing else. Then everyone comments and checks they are doing alright. But when you are posting something serious, with details and need help, I don't know that social media is the right place. I just don't think the correct, helpful support is there that way.

I write this blog as a parent, a disabled adult, a mum to children with autism and other additional needs and a person with chronic illnesses, but I don't dothat for any pity or comments. My blog is here to get things out of my head, to share the parts of life people don't talk about and are hidden to the outside. My instagram is also there for the same reason. I do read the comments, I do check out other people's blogs and accounts (unless they comment about some person who magically healed their chronic illnesses through yoga, meditation and a positive attitude....really?...or are selling turmeric, herbs or other), I do reply and it works for getting things out of my head. Even with this post, about something people didn't know before, there are things I won't post publically. 

The only purpose of this post is to bring up the fact that there are people going through the same coping strategies as i am, but they aredefining themselves by it. You are not your coping mechanism. You are not your illness or your trauma. It all shapes you and makes you into the wonderful, colourful mess you are (just as I am), but keep some of yourself for just you. See that it is only a part of you.

Feeling suicidal is no joke. It is an extremely dark place. Social media, in my opinion, is not the place to be seeking support for those thoughts. 

To those who have an account just to tell us 'don't do it'- that doesn't help. If you take away the one coping mechanism people have, what is left? It isn't so simple as you might think or wish.

I have found my GP to be useless. I have been honest with them about my thoughts and been sent away with a leaflet, even though i told them I had already tried the people at the other end of the leaflet and they told me my situation was too complex for them to deal with.

I have told my GP I need help and they have ignored me. I have taken my husband with me and still been ignored.

Only through the covid changes tothe GP practice, where they telephone triage us now, have I managed to get a referral for some help. The problem is that help is no seeing people because of Covid and has a waiting list of 'several weeks'. In the meantime there is nothing. Just survival.

Emailing the Samaritans at jo@samaritans.org is something I have found useful, also emailing family lives, but I haven't told them about self harm, just that I am not coping.

If you know me in realy life, sorry if this shocked you, but it is a part of me, just like all the trauma I have been through is. It doesn't change the person you know, I am still me and this has been an ongoing battle for many years. So please don't judge me, but if you can point me towards support I would be grateful.

If you know me in real life and are also struggling with these same issues, please find the confindence to chat about it. In person, on paper or text. Safely.

This has no impact on my skills as a Mum, wife or any other part of my life for my children or husband. Yes I am still worried to ask for help through those channels we all know can be scary and sometimes deaf to our pleas for help.

Please stay safe.

In the absence of light

Beating in my ears, positive messages

Lyrics carefully selected, playlist perfect

Mind breaks through

Journal with gels, felts, stickers

Activities, strong stories, uplifting quotes

Mind breaks through

Blocks, castles, my world

Windmills, crafting my imagination

Mind breaks through

Books to read, needs concentration

Print wanders, mixes, muddled in my head

Mind breaks through

Fleeting humour, children, pets

Smiling, almost forgetting

Mind breaks through

Underestimating the power of the mind

Dark, swirling, sucking me under

Starts with a ding, then a sting

Checking- Nothing

The mind breaks through

Logic knows exit exists

Brain cannot compute, links dissolved

Heartbreak took it all

Mind is winning

...

What do you see?

On our last walk outdoors we visited a local garden that has reopened to the public following closure due to coronavirus. Outdoor attractions seem to have the current advantage with the pandemic and rules over face masks. I certainly feel safer going outdoors than indoors anywhere at the moment, regardless of how much PPE people are covered in.

Things were slightly different to pre-covid19, we had to pre book before arriving at our designated time slot and then social distancing was advised throughout the area, although not always adhered to. There were arrows on the ground in an attempt at a one way system and most of the park area was closed for the children. Nothing felt awkward or over done.

We took hundreds of photographs along the way of beautiful plants, fairies, water birds and wooden sculptures. Here are just a couple of examples:

Not even the ferocious mosquitoes and gnats could put us off hiding under a tree to have our sandwiches, crisps and warm drinks whilst overlooking the lake and watching others, sitting at tables trying to pretend the rain wasn’t bothering them. 

Towards the end of our time there we meandered through the flower gardens where there are maze-like paths through different coloured plants. Many were so overgrown I had no chance of getting my wheelchair through them, but Miss G was an excellent assistant when it came to getting photographs of flowers out of my reach.

One particular area caught my attention. There was a bush full of these flowers (see above). They were in various stages of bloom and reminded me of dandelion clocks. (that reminds me- I must look into whether a dandelion clock becomes a yellow dandelion flower).

Each flower was protected by the seed ball which then peeled open to further its species, revealing this awesome sight. Seeing the petals curled up like this reminded me of nests, mother animals creating a safe and sheltered environment for their young, scaring off predators or interfering guests (don’t pretend you don’t understand that one). The bold and uninviting looking ‘spikes’ to keep potential danger away until they are ready to fend for themselves and accept visitors not dissimilar to a bitch growling, a snake hissing or a mother ignoring the front door and telephone.

It also made me think of the safety people feel within their own cocoon, be that alone or with friends and/or family. When the shit hits the fan, we all want to retreat to that cocoon of safety where we can count on support and rest to recuperate, gain strength and emerge when we are ready. 

I was brought up to hide the pieces of broken up shit under the legs of the fan, to keep it all inside and always think about what the outside perception would be. The favourite sentences uttered would be “What will people think?” and “Oh, it can’t be that bad really...it always happens to you doesn’t it" in a condescending, disbelieving tone.

I learned very young to not bother trying to seek support within the family home, to keep everything hidden and try my best to just carry on. As I have navigated through a rough and bumpy life i have come to see that is a very unhealthy way of trying to manage problems, and i do not recommend it. It is very difficult to undo years of being told one way of coping though. The one person I could go to sadly passed away 12 years ago now. I have a good friend who is feeling this pain now after suddenly losing her safety net too. There is no age limit on how this can have a devastating effect on us, but asa with everythin in life, it is how we manage to get through and cope with everything that is thown at us that makes us stronger. (I keep telling myself that- maybe one day it will work haha). As a family unit we are alone in the world. We have friends, but no family we can chat to or rely on. We can't call on a mum for support or help, can't pop over for a cup of tea and a natter or ask them to pick the kids up. Having children I think makes that safety net of a wider network more important for us all. Friends become family and we all find our way into support and understanding.

Once this flower has bloomed and gone out into the world, it will be alone, watching others still in their cocoon, others fighting for survival in the same position they are in and being admired by people like me, who probably think way too far into a simple flower blooming in the summer sun.

Do No Harm

We have been on many, many walks through the local tracks, pathways, parks and valleys over the past few months and I have spent many an hour looking through the nettles for ladybirds. No luck.

Around two weeks ago we found one ladybird that was lying, deceased, on the pavement opposite our local park, but other than that not a peep.

Then, yesterday we went for another walk and I spotted three ladybirds near each other on the nettles. They looked unusual, different to the ladybirds we are used to seeing here. Instead of the pillar box red colouring, this was more orange and the dots were more numerous.

I had heard of an invasive species of ladybird some time ago but not noticed any differences until this year. The invasive species is overtaking our native ladybirds by eating their eggs, larvae and their food and then laying many many eggs of their own instead. 

On the same walk we also came across this unusual bug. At first glance we thought it was a spider, but with only six legs it clearly falls into the insect family rather than the arachnids. 

Next thought was a type of caterpillar, but it wasn’t long enough for that and the legs didn’t fit either. So I took a photo and decided to research it at home. 

It turns out to be a larva of one of the harlequin ladybirds. 

On our walk we saw three of the ladybirds and two of these larvae. Bearing in mind we were walking a very energetic staffie cross and therefore had little time to stand and explore the nettles, that is quite a find. It explains the lack of native ladybirds we had noticed.

These bugs are ferocious. They are harmless to us- the worst they could do is stain your clothes yellow- but they are cannibals, eating their own kind, pretend to be native ladybirds by copying their colouring and are difficult to control as their needs are so similar to those of our decreasing native ladybirds. Just look at these photos!

In reading up about these creatures, I found a passage that describes them as a ‘halloween bug’ because around that time of year they can be found in large numbers and have been known to invade people’s houses! 

We have already had a home invasion of ants, flies keep coming in through the doors and windows and doing their geometry in the middle of each room. The last thing we need on top of that is an invasion of harlequin ladybirds! (not to mention the coronavirus this year too).

Heed this warning.

You might think that you are doing right by meddling, or that you have done no harm but this proves otherwise. You can't go into ana existing family and introduce a devastating change without fallout, pain, loss and heartache one one side and an earth shattering change on the other. Who knows what the long term effects will be.

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