Monday
Nervously attended short breaks' service sports session that he had been to before, in the same place he had been before, with the same lead as before, but new staff working for the short break provider were straight in his face, trying to include him, trying to talk to him about things he didn't want to talk about, didn't take the hints from him to shut down the conversation, inviting more and more people to talk to him. As a Mum I had alarm bells ringing loudly at this point and was amazed he even stayed for the session. By the end I had a warning text from my husband that he hadn't coped well at all and wasn't able to talk to him at all. He had stormed out past the staff at the end. Once home he sat with me and explained he had felt left out, felt noone cared there, noone had noticed him and he was angry at having to go to sessions where there are others with more obvious disabilities and needs than him, which makes him feel self conscious and he wants to go to mainstream activities. He had wanted to play basketball so the lead gave him a basketball and left him to get on with it. He didn't want to join in with the silly games others were playing so had sat on the edge, alone, watching people play badminton next door instead, with noone coming to speak to him at all.
Tuesday
Busy day with me at a course, sister at the local care farm, dog was sick, then a home education meet at a play area where his friend would be. Things have been difficult for him with his friend recently as he is noticing the age gap more and more when they are together in person (less so online but still there) and is getting frustrated. Basically both my son and his friend are very similar and strongly prefer to play their own games in their own way (in person and online) and it is difficult to know when to intervene and when to leave them work it out as a parent because this is such an important skill for them to develop, but at the same time could have explosive results. After there we headed to the gym for a quick workout and a swim, but the swimming pool was in use for lessons so our only choice was the larger, cooler pool. He wouldn't even consider that option so we stuck to the gym and shower instead. He was very down about this saying everything he had wanted to do today he hadn't been able to do.
Wednesday
Swimming. This time we checked the pool timetable before heading out solely for a swim in the lovely warm pool, after an aqua aerobics class I had booked myself onto. He was going to join in too, but the lack of males and those under 40 severely put him off (understandable) so he made do with my bank card and a trip to the cafe instead, meeting me in the pool later on, then meeting up in the cafe after our swim once again.
Later on both his sisters had a short break session booked but he didn't want to go. This, followed by a local autism group meeting, would mean him home alone for a couple of hours, but he was happy with that, knowing we had our phones and weren't far away. (He knows what to do in an emergency, has access to phones and is more than capable of getting out in a fire). Despite this he panicked and rang me, upset, asking how long we were going to be when we were on our way home.
Thursday
His sisters bank cards arrived this morning and he lost his temper, saying everything he thinks is just for him gets ruined by them getting or doing it too. Then he had his regular gymnastics session this morning where they were working towards their badges. Sadly his sister got her badge today and he has a couple of skills to pass next time before he can pass the same badge. This did not go down at all well. He was very angry and upset but did well to return to the session for the cool down at the end. We all went to the gym in the afternoon for a swim, paying for a day pass for his sisters and dad. I had spoken to him before even asking them, checking he was alright about them coming there, and he was excited that he could play with them in the pool and happy for the girls to join up to come swimming regularly with us (probably aimed more at his youngest sister I suspect though). In the pool he was rude, angry, dangerous and refused to engage or listen. He was picking on his sister again and it was a very difficult time. On top of this he was very nervous about the social worker coming in the morning to see them all and this led to a meltdown at bedtime.
Friday
Refusal to get up and see the social worker ended in him going downstairs to say hello, but she will return to see him again and fill out some paperwork she has about each child. After the stress of her visit (I have massively understated this and the effect it had on him and us here) we had time for a quick lunch (which he didn't want or like any of apparently) before his friend came over to play.
This has been a very emotional and difficult week for him and whilst I appreciate this, and can see how a lot of these things have a negative impact on him, I cannot allow the bullying of his sister to continue. I have realised he almost projects his dislike for his sister onto others who have similar needs to her when he meets them at events and activities where he then feels superior and acts as such in his role of leader. This is then all released when he returns home where he feels safe and we have to deal with the fallout.
Masking.
Our eldest daughter is able to mask her difficulties to some extent, people often just say she is quiet or shy (which makes my blood boil). But my eldest and youngest mask their anxieties in such complex ways noone ever sees it or realises what is going on, even when we have told them, leaving us to deal with the fallout time and time again.
Thursday, 22 March 2018
Monday, 19 March 2018
Deja Vu
After a rough week this last week, more of which compounded these feelings for my son on the weekend, today was meant to be a good day for him. Not only did we have a gym visit planned where he would be able to use his new flippers for the first time, but also he was going to a gaming meet up with his friend and to a laser tag arena too.
In my naivety and, perhaps stupidity, I asked my husband to take him to the laser tag arena, sign him in and then meet him at the end, whilst I spent time with our two girls, before us all meeting up at the gaming meet.
All was well- the usual pep talk before he goes anywhere without me went well, he was prepared for the games and went into the arena safely and well supervised. There was little point in anyone staying in the small waiting area once the children went into the arena, so, knowing the organiser had our numbers and could easily contact us if needed, I stayed close-by with my daughters and my husband came to meet us about half way through the laser sessions.
We heard nothing. At the end of the session my husband picked my son up, collected his gaming paraphernalia and we all met at the next event.
After a time, I heard that a complaint had been made about my son. Allegedly he had hit a girl, then this girl had hit him back and was now refusing to go to any more home education meet ups in the future and was distraught. Also, the mother had spoken to the laser arena who had confirmed to her that my son had hit her first and was in the wrong. Again!!
Having learnt from last time this happened, I decided to be more proactive this time. I messaged the mother and apologised if any upset had been caused, but that it had sounded like over-exuberance during the playing of the game.
After all, there were two games played, all by the same group of children, and at no point had anyone come out of the games upset or distressed in any way, other than a younger child in the second game and my son and his friend in the first game.
Oh- wait- my son and his friend were upset? They came out of the game to find a member of staff? Yes, that's what he says and what the staff member says too- that he came out to find the staff member because a girl had been following him around, not listening to the rules about no physical contact and had hit him and kicked him, so he had used his gun to push her arm out of the way when she next came at him. At this point he went to get the lady working in there, who he pointed out the girl to, before returning to the game. Nothing more happened for the rest of the game, apart from them continuing to all shoot eachother, as per the reason for the game.
At the break before the second game, the group organiser reminded everyone present of the rules of it being a non contact game, and they all went in to play game number two.
At the end of game number two everyone went home or to the gaming meet. That was the end of it- we thought.
Since then it has transpired that this mother telephoned the worker at the laser arena and wholly contradicted her own record of events to the extent that the worker was left feeling un-nerved and wrote a report for her manager to read of the whole incident. By the time I had a phonecall back from her this evening she had written this report, offered to read it to me, and it confirmed what my son had been saying- that he didn't hit the girl at all, not to start a fight or to defend himself, that my son and his friend had gone to the worker to let her know he had been hurt by this girl and that she hadn't been following the rules of the game.
My son's name is muddied already due to an adult who should know better, so it takes nothing for people to jump to conclusions when he is potentially involved or just in the general area where anything may have occured. I am beyond disappointed in this girl and mother who have followed mistruths, tried to coerce a worker to confirming their falsehoods and have accused my son of hitting her first, unprovoked and given me all kinds of personal information about the girl's past that I do not want or need to know about. I could equally respond with a sob story of my son's life to date, or tell her that I have spoken to the staff at the game and confirmed what actually happened with them, but what is the point?
Just as the last time this sort of nonsense happened, this parent wants to have a chat after gymnastics the next time we are there. Why? What is the point? They are in the wrong, they are loud and well known here, the girl has lied and hurt my son. If anything I should be the one kicking up a fuss and nonsense about this, but things happen between children and they have to work it out themselves- to a point obviously. If things had been really bad why hadn't the girl come out of the game? Spoken to a member of staff? Not gone into the second game? Been upset or distressed at the end of, or during the first game? None of it makes any sense at all. She is older and bigger than my son, had people there in the waiting room for her, is perfectly able to speak up, so why make up this tale?
To my mind, either she realised she had hurt him and saw him speak to the staff member, therefore knew she was potentially going to be in trouble, especially as the event organiser had spoken to the adult with her at the end of the games, so she may have assumed this was to tell them she had hurt someone in there (that is not what was said though), and to avoid getting into trouble herself, she invented this fallacy to redirect any anger and annoyance from her mother onto my son.....or.......she is a pathological liar and he mother has not realised this........or........they are total nutcases, as we seem to attract these, and need help themselves.
Whichever option it is, I don't care anymore. My son's emotional wellbeing is fragile enough from the last nutcase we encountered and her lies, without anything else adding to it.
As a protective measure for myself- I am barely keeping my own shit together with everything I am constantly dealing with here, without any added complications or attention seekers trying to butt in to my life or that of my children or family- I have unilaterally decided that we will no longer go to any home education meetings or events or activities where there is the possibility of an attention seeking, loud mother deciding that my child has hurt her or her child, when this has not happened. This will severely curtail my children's lives and friendships but is the only way I can see to protect them from these crazy people.
I am under no illusions about my son. I know he can be aggressive, is very competitive, likes to be in control and struggles hugely to take other people's points of view or feelings into consideration, but I also know that he would not attack or hurt someone without provocation and good reason. He has seen enough violence to know the difference. The times he has been violent have been as a result of provocation and him being backed into a corner. He is likely to say something hurtful and then walk away, laugh at people to get away or run away and tell an adult- as he did today- but if he ever did physically hurt someone I know he would tell me- I can always tell when he is lying anyway- he would know I have his back and that I would make him apologise and make things right if he did wrong, and that he can talk to me.
If this had happened the other way around and he had come home after two games, telling me he had been hurt by this older child, my first question would have been what happened before that? then did you tell anyone working there? Did you come out of the game? Why did you feel OK to continue with the second game? Are you sure it was on purpose? and it's done now, just stay away from them and move on. As a mother why would I telephone the place where the game was held to convince a staff member they were wrong in their own account of it? Why would I message the event organiser and not the parent? Why wouldn't I speak to the parent collecting the child at the end of the session? Why wouldn't I ask my child why they seemed happy coming out of the session? It makes no sense to me at all and I cannot deal with people like this. No more.
In my naivety and, perhaps stupidity, I asked my husband to take him to the laser tag arena, sign him in and then meet him at the end, whilst I spent time with our two girls, before us all meeting up at the gaming meet.
All was well- the usual pep talk before he goes anywhere without me went well, he was prepared for the games and went into the arena safely and well supervised. There was little point in anyone staying in the small waiting area once the children went into the arena, so, knowing the organiser had our numbers and could easily contact us if needed, I stayed close-by with my daughters and my husband came to meet us about half way through the laser sessions.
We heard nothing. At the end of the session my husband picked my son up, collected his gaming paraphernalia and we all met at the next event.
After a time, I heard that a complaint had been made about my son. Allegedly he had hit a girl, then this girl had hit him back and was now refusing to go to any more home education meet ups in the future and was distraught. Also, the mother had spoken to the laser arena who had confirmed to her that my son had hit her first and was in the wrong. Again!!
Having learnt from last time this happened, I decided to be more proactive this time. I messaged the mother and apologised if any upset had been caused, but that it had sounded like over-exuberance during the playing of the game.
After all, there were two games played, all by the same group of children, and at no point had anyone come out of the games upset or distressed in any way, other than a younger child in the second game and my son and his friend in the first game.
Oh- wait- my son and his friend were upset? They came out of the game to find a member of staff? Yes, that's what he says and what the staff member says too- that he came out to find the staff member because a girl had been following him around, not listening to the rules about no physical contact and had hit him and kicked him, so he had used his gun to push her arm out of the way when she next came at him. At this point he went to get the lady working in there, who he pointed out the girl to, before returning to the game. Nothing more happened for the rest of the game, apart from them continuing to all shoot eachother, as per the reason for the game.
At the break before the second game, the group organiser reminded everyone present of the rules of it being a non contact game, and they all went in to play game number two.
At the end of game number two everyone went home or to the gaming meet. That was the end of it- we thought.
Since then it has transpired that this mother telephoned the worker at the laser arena and wholly contradicted her own record of events to the extent that the worker was left feeling un-nerved and wrote a report for her manager to read of the whole incident. By the time I had a phonecall back from her this evening she had written this report, offered to read it to me, and it confirmed what my son had been saying- that he didn't hit the girl at all, not to start a fight or to defend himself, that my son and his friend had gone to the worker to let her know he had been hurt by this girl and that she hadn't been following the rules of the game.
My son's name is muddied already due to an adult who should know better, so it takes nothing for people to jump to conclusions when he is potentially involved or just in the general area where anything may have occured. I am beyond disappointed in this girl and mother who have followed mistruths, tried to coerce a worker to confirming their falsehoods and have accused my son of hitting her first, unprovoked and given me all kinds of personal information about the girl's past that I do not want or need to know about. I could equally respond with a sob story of my son's life to date, or tell her that I have spoken to the staff at the game and confirmed what actually happened with them, but what is the point?
Just as the last time this sort of nonsense happened, this parent wants to have a chat after gymnastics the next time we are there. Why? What is the point? They are in the wrong, they are loud and well known here, the girl has lied and hurt my son. If anything I should be the one kicking up a fuss and nonsense about this, but things happen between children and they have to work it out themselves- to a point obviously. If things had been really bad why hadn't the girl come out of the game? Spoken to a member of staff? Not gone into the second game? Been upset or distressed at the end of, or during the first game? None of it makes any sense at all. She is older and bigger than my son, had people there in the waiting room for her, is perfectly able to speak up, so why make up this tale?
To my mind, either she realised she had hurt him and saw him speak to the staff member, therefore knew she was potentially going to be in trouble, especially as the event organiser had spoken to the adult with her at the end of the games, so she may have assumed this was to tell them she had hurt someone in there (that is not what was said though), and to avoid getting into trouble herself, she invented this fallacy to redirect any anger and annoyance from her mother onto my son.....or.......she is a pathological liar and he mother has not realised this........or........they are total nutcases, as we seem to attract these, and need help themselves.
Whichever option it is, I don't care anymore. My son's emotional wellbeing is fragile enough from the last nutcase we encountered and her lies, without anything else adding to it.
As a protective measure for myself- I am barely keeping my own shit together with everything I am constantly dealing with here, without any added complications or attention seekers trying to butt in to my life or that of my children or family- I have unilaterally decided that we will no longer go to any home education meetings or events or activities where there is the possibility of an attention seeking, loud mother deciding that my child has hurt her or her child, when this has not happened. This will severely curtail my children's lives and friendships but is the only way I can see to protect them from these crazy people.
I am under no illusions about my son. I know he can be aggressive, is very competitive, likes to be in control and struggles hugely to take other people's points of view or feelings into consideration, but I also know that he would not attack or hurt someone without provocation and good reason. He has seen enough violence to know the difference. The times he has been violent have been as a result of provocation and him being backed into a corner. He is likely to say something hurtful and then walk away, laugh at people to get away or run away and tell an adult- as he did today- but if he ever did physically hurt someone I know he would tell me- I can always tell when he is lying anyway- he would know I have his back and that I would make him apologise and make things right if he did wrong, and that he can talk to me.
If this had happened the other way around and he had come home after two games, telling me he had been hurt by this older child, my first question would have been what happened before that? then did you tell anyone working there? Did you come out of the game? Why did you feel OK to continue with the second game? Are you sure it was on purpose? and it's done now, just stay away from them and move on. As a mother why would I telephone the place where the game was held to convince a staff member they were wrong in their own account of it? Why would I message the event organiser and not the parent? Why wouldn't I speak to the parent collecting the child at the end of the session? Why wouldn't I ask my child why they seemed happy coming out of the session? It makes no sense to me at all and I cannot deal with people like this. No more.
Gymnastics
We face a weekly dilemma here- gymnastics.
All three children enjoy the sessions once we are there, all three are progressing well and are confident enough to speak to the teacher/coach (a huge achievement for them all).
But....the demand of getting there every week, knowing it is coming up and knowing who is/in't there who might be there is often too much for our eldest and youngest, leading to tension Wednesday evenings and meltdowns Thursday mornings.
I have always managed these with the aim of continuing with the sessions because I see how much they thrive when they are there and am reluctant to let it stop.
The gymnastics is held in a community hall where mats are rolled out on the floor, apparatus unfolded from a cupboard which must be related to the tardis, and then tidied away again at the end (usually by our children and the coach amongst a few others). They can work towards the gymnastic badges if they want to - of course both our children with PDA want to, and are highly competitive over who has which badge first, despite the 7 year age gap.
We had tears from our eldest child this last session for just this reason in fact. All of our children have been at 99% of the sessions, so are around the same stage in the badges too. But- our eldest daughter passed her badge this week and the other two didn't. I can hear you all gasping for air knowingly right now.
Our youngest struggles to process a lot of what is said in the sessions because of the movement, other people there, poor concentration and lack of processing time allowed for, but she copes by copying her siblings and hand signals from me. Our eldest tried his best to practice the two skills he is lacking for this badge, but the coach ran out of time, meaning he has a long wait until the next badge session. No amount of explanations or empathy helped him. In the end I took him for time out from the session, suggested a splash of cold water and a swift return to the cool down, which he took me up on, but it has compounded a difficult week for him. (concerned mother as ever).
Small things like this which can be easily brushed off by most children, are a massive issue for my children. They get stuck on unfairness, perceived uncaring and my eldest struggles hugely with the idea that one of his younger siblings might achieve something he has not (although he tends to take it better if it his youngest sibling for some reason).
Because of the processing time my youngest requires, it is heartwarming at times to see him physically helping her in gymnastics, showing her and supporting her to achieve the stretches/shapes and moves she needs to complete. But at the same time he laughs at and demeans our eldest daughter. It is at these times that praising the positive and ignoring the negative becomes tricky........but doable in the long run, with a close eye on her mental wellbeing and mental health, and strategies and techniques for her to deal with it too.
All three children enjoy the sessions once we are there, all three are progressing well and are confident enough to speak to the teacher/coach (a huge achievement for them all).
But....the demand of getting there every week, knowing it is coming up and knowing who is/in't there who might be there is often too much for our eldest and youngest, leading to tension Wednesday evenings and meltdowns Thursday mornings.
I have always managed these with the aim of continuing with the sessions because I see how much they thrive when they are there and am reluctant to let it stop.
The gymnastics is held in a community hall where mats are rolled out on the floor, apparatus unfolded from a cupboard which must be related to the tardis, and then tidied away again at the end (usually by our children and the coach amongst a few others). They can work towards the gymnastic badges if they want to - of course both our children with PDA want to, and are highly competitive over who has which badge first, despite the 7 year age gap.
We had tears from our eldest child this last session for just this reason in fact. All of our children have been at 99% of the sessions, so are around the same stage in the badges too. But- our eldest daughter passed her badge this week and the other two didn't. I can hear you all gasping for air knowingly right now.
Our youngest struggles to process a lot of what is said in the sessions because of the movement, other people there, poor concentration and lack of processing time allowed for, but she copes by copying her siblings and hand signals from me. Our eldest tried his best to practice the two skills he is lacking for this badge, but the coach ran out of time, meaning he has a long wait until the next badge session. No amount of explanations or empathy helped him. In the end I took him for time out from the session, suggested a splash of cold water and a swift return to the cool down, which he took me up on, but it has compounded a difficult week for him. (concerned mother as ever).
Small things like this which can be easily brushed off by most children, are a massive issue for my children. They get stuck on unfairness, perceived uncaring and my eldest struggles hugely with the idea that one of his younger siblings might achieve something he has not (although he tends to take it better if it his youngest sibling for some reason).
Because of the processing time my youngest requires, it is heartwarming at times to see him physically helping her in gymnastics, showing her and supporting her to achieve the stretches/shapes and moves she needs to complete. But at the same time he laughs at and demeans our eldest daughter. It is at these times that praising the positive and ignoring the negative becomes tricky........but doable in the long run, with a close eye on her mental wellbeing and mental health, and strategies and techniques for her to deal with it too.
Sunday, 18 March 2018
Science fun day out
Our initial plans had been kaiboshed due to two children with PDA were too anxious to leave the house, so a quick internet search located three options nearby for me to take my eldest daughter for a fun day out, just me and her.
Option 1 was Lapworth museum https://www.birmingham.ac.uk/facilities/lapworth-museum/index.aspx
Option 2 was ThinkTank in Birmingham http://www.birminghammuseums.org.uk/thinktank
and Option 3 was The Space Centre in Leicester https://spacecentre.co.uk/
She doesn't do decisions or choices very easily, so we looked at their websites together. 1 had fossils and dinosaur bones, 2 had a dinosaur skull and lots of hands on science things to do as well as a planetarium and 3 had a planetarium, lots of hands on space things to do and the added advantage that we had been there before, so she would recognise it (albeit a few years ago now).
From a practical point I had to rule out option 1 due to weekday parking issues with our tall vehicle (so frustrating when we cannot fit into a car park nearby).
She decided option 2 would be the best choice for her. 
I had heard of ThinkTank a few years back when we house sat for someone in this area, but had seen mixed reviews and lots of talk of cost and public transport. However, a quick search located a car park we would get into right next door to ThinkTank, the cost was very reasonable for entry and it seemed to have a huge variety of areas and topics covered inside.
Off we went, dodgy phone navigating us there (I had my fingers crossed all day that it wouldn't switch itself off so we could get home too). Even in the car park there were signs to ThinkTank, so it was looking good. Our only wobble was once we left the car park and the signs disappeared, leaving us surrounded by students, trying to get the same dodgy phone to work on google maps.....then I spotted a huge sign inside a building around the corner, indicating ThinkTank was right infront of us. Phew!
At the reception desk, the man we saw couldn't have been more helpful. He let her choose which planetarium show to watch, with no rush at all, pointed out all the information we needed to know- picnic areas, lockers, toilets, cafe, outdoor garden and planetarium location. When we sat down to have our picnic there were several school groups also doing the same (but still plenty of free seats and tables for us to use), so a member of staff showed us a quieter place to have our picnic without me needing to ask. There are two lifts in the central column of the museum, and a staircase winds around them to all floors also. My daughter finds descending stairs difficult, especially when feeling under pressure, so the lift was useful.
Despite the large numbers of school groups in the museum, we hardly saw any of them, and did not have to queue for any exhibit, wait for any activities or have any problems or altercations. My daughter was able to follow the map from floor to floor, selecting which activities she wished to try and returning later to the others. She was very impressed with the child size city, the water play and the natural history sections, also loving the planetarium show.
We were very lucky in the planetarium to have only 26 people there in total, and the man working there was so enthusiastic, he brought the whole show to life for her. It was all about animals in the stars, constellations and ended with a song about Orion.
There are so many fantastic displays and hands on activities I cannot possible name them here, but thoroughly recommend a visit if you haven't been.
We bought her an annual pass before leaving, then, at home when she told her sister all about it, she wanted to go back the next day!
Off we all went this time, the five of us. Our eldest very reluctantly, our youngest so excited she needed her buggy and ear defenders to help her focus and stay safe. This, and the weekend put a different slant on our visit. This time there were lots more families rather than groups of children- obviously- and there was a tiny queue to get in (three family groups in front of us maybe). The staff were the same, very helpful, very welcoming. We still got a locker, made use of the buggy parks around the child sized city and had to use the lift. This was the only possible negative of the day, but one we simply couldn't avoid. One of the two lifts broke down during the day, leaving all visitors with the use of just one, for a museum over four floors. That said, we weren't ever waiting too long, had the buggy there for our daughter to sit in (she can't queue well) and were able to allow our eldest to go ahead (with a supervisory tail) knowing he would be safe.
We didn't have to wait for anything again, all the exhibits are sufficiently spread out to allow plenty of scope for visitors to access them without having to queue. Our planetarium visit was a no-go for our youngest, but we knew that would happen (we had to try though as you never know what day she will do something). The other three in our group enjoyed the show and met up with us afterwards. Another bonus feature that I had missed on the previous day was that our youngest could run (as she does) from activity to activity and I was able to keep an eye on her through windows, open plan layouts and low level displays. I also knew the only way for her to change floors was the glass lift or the stairs, both centrally located, so worst case scenario I would have had to wait there for her. It didn't come to that this time (almost when we lost my husband, but not for my daughter).
We bought both our other children annual passes also that day, and plan to return very soon, hopefully on a dry day so we can fully explore the outdoor garden too.
All meltdowns and challenging behaviours were fairly easy to avoid at ThinkTank because of the open spaces, laid back staff and wide variety of activities available. When our youngest struggled with other children there, I was able to redirect her to plenty of other areas where she was able to cope better- even checking my teeth in the dental chair at one point 'say ahhh'.
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