Happy new year 2021

I can't believe I haven't written here since autumn.

Things have got worse for me medically, which has impacted on my mental health. I am always trying to keep it together, especially over Christmas. 

One of the more recent things we have tried here has been making colour changing lemonade. It was meant for gin, but that doesn't agree with the morphine. Besides, my children can try the lemonade too. 

inside a pretty box were these blue pea flowers. We added them to the lemonade, waited, waited..... And then the liquid was a deep purple.

On adding alcohol slowly (8 year old with a bottle of brandy), the liquid turned more pinkish. Tada!

Also this week. We had a blanket of snow fall during twixmas, then more the next day.

The kids and husband had snowball fights, built a snowman and repeated the snowball fight the next day. 

Our children have enjoyed throwing snowballs for our dopey staffy x to catch. Bless. 

Snow is the best free plaything the world sends us. 

Our Christmas has been lovely. With no extended family, it is always a quiet day. If anything, it was busier than usual with friends of our children coming over everyday. 

We are in tier 4 so are only allowed to meet in our support bubbles. We made sure, back in March last year, one friend is in our support bubble and the other, who practically lives here, is in our childcare bubble. 

We have done our best throughout to keep everyone safe. 

Stay safe xx

Autumn 2020

With the Tier 2 of covid-19 in force in our local area, Tier 3 all around, we are sticking local as much as we can. We have been staying in more again, keeping strictly to the rule of six, including only our support bubble and childcare bubble. 

Now we have a better handle on the restrictions than when we had during the first peak in the UK, we are able to cater for our children’s needs better, despite the restrictions in place. (But when the government decide to chenge things with only a day or two's notice, that seriously does not help).

It is Halloween this weekend. Our girls love getting dressed up and going trick or treating every year. This year, although it is not banned, I don’t feel it is a good or sensible idea to be going to other people’s doors, taking treats from them and then potentially taking the virus door to door.

I have prepared a picture treasure hunt for the girls to do, a pumpkin hunt and prize bags for them all. On top of that, there are some halloween games for them to play too, with prizes again. I plan on putting Hotel transylvania on the TV whilst they have waffles and/or pancakes with alien slime sauce (Home Bargains), ‘Witches’ blood’ (fruit jam), ‘Sticky zombie pus’ (syrup) and ‘Bat Juice’ (chocolate spread). 

I was thinking of repeating the food from a few years ago. We had mashed potato with sausages stood up in it. I dyed the potato blue and cut a piece of sausage skin off one end, put a piece of fried onion there and called the dish ‘Witches’ fingers in alien mash’. It didn’t go down very well at all. So we might just stick to jacket potatoes and chipolatas this time, no colouring.

I want the girls to have the opportunity to go outside in their costumes, although they already have been to a Halloween event and shown off their costumes…..it would be nice for them if their other friends could see them. So, if the weather forecast improves i might try and hide (ask Hubby to hide…) some of the pumpkins outside and around the street a bit (accepting that they may well get taken by other little Halloween creatures).

Away from Halloween, we have also been looking for fireworks. They have been going off around here for a couple of weeks already. Our dogs, cats and daughters aren’t keen. We have lavender for the animals, to help them remain calmer, but for our daughters, we have been looking for the ideal firework package.

I am hoping it will still be available, but it is in Aldi. They have a package which only contains quieter (sadly not silent) ground based fireworks and a catherine wheel. These are far less scary for our children and can be easily watched from behind the house windows if needed.

Aside from these annual dates, Hubby and i have been trying to keep our minds busy by watching TV together. I have found Gogglebox t be useful for finding new programmes recently. I have watched The Handmaid’s tale on Amazon prime video. I can’t believe it was written in 1985. It certainly made me think abut things. I have had an interesting and difficult relationship with christianity ue to my adopted parents, but a lot of what was portrayed in these episodes certainly rang true from my own past experiences. Obviously not to the same extremes, but the division is felt, the shame and indignation also present. I think everyone should watch it if they have, or have had, any relationship with the church. People with money, or very kind friends, are already able to use a surrogate. Nothing to the lengths shown in this programme or described in the original novel.

Through no desired link, we have also watched A Brave New World. I remember having to study this in high school and hating it. Watching the series makes it far more accessible. 

Both of these views of the possible future for mankind, by different authors, are concerning. I would hope that neither is the truth, but who knows. There are certainly some strange things going on already.

Our current watch is Riviera. It is making me wish we were on holiday in the south of France. I long for the heat, the sound of the cicadas, swimming in the pools etc. But staying safe has to take precedence this year.

Our children all have plans for New years’ Eve, to say goodbye to this year. Hopefully next year will be better. Or perhaps we will all have become conditioned by then.

Halloween Crazy

 Well.....since I booked tickets for us to go to a Halloween Scarefest (family friendly), we have all been on a countdown to Halloween.

We took our friend (in our childcare bubble) to the National Forest Adventure Farm for Spudfest this year. We all enjoyed it so much, we booked for Halloween the next day. It is such a great day out for families, and for those with additional needs there is plenty of space, huge choice of activities and something for everyone. Even now, with the Covid-19 restrictions in place, numbers are limited, staff are cleaning constantly, there is handgel all around to compliment the soap and water sinks available too. We felt safe there, and that says a lot.

I feel really sorry for the children who love halloween this year though. They can't go trick or treating, can't have all their friends over and so I'm not sure what Halloween will be like for everyone in 2020.

Our house was decorated inside as soon as the tickets were booked (October 1st). The girls have put up 3D faces on the walls, hanging pumpkins, halloween bunting and other decorations throughout the house. I have bought patterned paper to make paper chains, but have put it somewhere safe- a lethal and silly mistake on my part.

There is even a skeleton who's foot gets stuck in the cutlery draw repeatedly (just as well it can't feel any more!).

The scarefest was yesterday. With coronavirus, bookings were for one of the two daily sessions. The girls wanted to have their faces painted and to go in halloween costumes. Thankfully, they both agreed to wear jumpers and coats to stay warm too. 

It took me over an hour to paint their faces, but I do think they both looked good.

 I booked the afternoon session because we all have trouble with sleeping lately. It meant we had four hours (the same as if we had got there for the morning session) to explore the mummy maize maze, enter the haunted mirror maze house, pick pumpkins from the field (catching a lift on the tractor), feed the farm animals, enter the musical maze, bounce on  the giant pillow, see the broomstick training, go on the funfair rides and have free time to explore whilst hubby and I tried to havea hot drink together (once we were certain they all knew their way around and where we were).

We had chips for lunch with hot drinks all round- we needed them to warm up from the icy wind. 

There was a demon wandering about, handing out medals to children who were scarily dressed. Since he was mainly targerting the younger children, ours were getting upset. I hoped that explaining their additional needs to him would help. He was great- he played a little game with them and let them win a medal each. Phew!

As usual, their goats were adorable. The guinea pigs got a fuss, cows, pigs and goats were fed and cuddled, then we returned outside. 

I knew, as soon as I saw the maize maze, that I would be the one to get lost in there. Miss A got a stitch so was walking with me (on speed 2) with hubby too. I managed a couple of circles inside the maze, lost our friend and Miss G, entered a second field through an open gate, where the maze continued, and continued to be lost until I saw our friend K coming to rescue us and reunite us all again.

Driving over the large lumps of stones and gravel has left my shoulders and back painful today- so much so that I didn't want to go to sleep last night. I figured it might not hurt so much if  I didn't have to wake up. That logic didn't work though- my medication and a long day combined to help me sleep by 3.30am.

Today they are waiting for the paint on their pumpkins to dry out so they can add a second layer and paint faces or patterns on them. We have two very large pumpkins on our dining table. One pink and one white right now. Miss G chose a smaller, green pumpkin and has decided not to paint hers.

I have promised to buy some pumpkins to make soup with, and we are all going pumpkin picking again on thursday too. Hopefully those pumpkins will last until halloween.

We are having a Halloween party here, within our covid bubble. I have got a sort of treasure hunt ready, my friend has some games and I need to find some more activities they can get up to aswell.  Wish us luck 😉

(and the countdown has begun to the Christmas event at the farm too #NFAF )

It's been a while...

Over the last couple of weeks it feels as if time has been crawling slowly towards the end of September. As an individual, I have started to try and recover from the events of this year (and I don't include covid-19 in that).I am trying my best to not try and contact Mr J any more. Every time I ring and he doesn't answer, it cuts a little more into my heart. The messages that aren't even read, texts unanswered and, despite the help of all mutual contacts (except his father's family) him still ignoring me, all hurt. I am certain he knows that, somewhere deep inside him. I have gone through phases of thinking with it all. At first I just expected him to answer. Then, when it became clear that was not going to happen easily, I thought maybe, if I kept ringing it would annoy him enough to answer, even if just to shout at me. That didn't work either. So I gave up trying. But then, the one time my phone was in another room from me, on charge, I missed a call from him. I took that as a sign he might be open to speaking to me, so tried ringing again. It sent me right back to the beginning of the process. 

More recently, I have been trying my hardest to leave him be. To not try any more to contact him. I know he has PDA, I know answering the calls and texts is a demand. I understand that means he will try to avoid it. But, it feels so wrong too.

To try and make myself feel a little better I have had my hair dyed a couple of times. 

(photo of me having my newly dyed pink and blue hair dried)

My husband has been dying it for me, using semi permanent hair dye by Crazy Color. It it so easy to use and I am not allergic to it (yes, I was amazed too).

Miss A, Miss G and their friend have all had their hair dyed too- I spent one day dying their hair, one after the other. We did try Manic Panic dye, but it didn't last long in their hair and seemed to leak onto their skin, but we didn't have that problem before. I have stopped making myself feel bad for the weight gain on all these medications and bought a capsule wardrobe of clothes that are the right size for me and that I actually like.

I have also been trying to get out and about to new, accessible places locally, with the excuse of the dogs needing a walk. 

(photo taken over the stone wall of a reservoir, looking across the water to the other side, surrounded with trees)

We were able to walk all the way around this reservoir. There was also a path that lead off the main route, towards a waterfall. It was pretty bumpy, but I managed to get almost to the end...so close, but not to the waterfall.

With the weather changing, my hayfever has kicked in now, making outdoor trips more difficult and painful. Just this afternoon I ventured out into the back garden to check on our plants and flowers. Within an hour of returning inside my eye has been streaming, itching and hurting.  But, we do have these out there...

(three photos of flowers from my garden. One is a large purple flower in full bloom, then french lavender and finally a pink and yellow rose)

and our mystery fruit bush is growing well, so it might bear fruit next season, as might our strawberries and pineberries. 

I have excavated a cavemand from a plaster block, painted an abstract painting for our wall, cleaned what I can, coloured in another two colouring books and tried reading as much as I can, but Ican't concentrate enough.

Sleep is still eluding me. I was still awake at 4am today. But I am still going.

This afternoon I discovered a new song called Who I Am, by an artist called Roma. Apparently she donates all her income from singing to charity. 

Tomorrow is my birthday. Nine days ago would have been my Grandma's birthday, and inbetween the two are the birthdays of my inlaws. Miss A is so excited about my birthday and keeps asking if I am too. On goes the mummy face with the smile, nod and reassurance that, of course I am. But really? I am looking forward to a meal out together with no drama. I am looking forward to a day of knowing, for certain, without having to stop and think about it or work it out, how old I am. I am also looking forward to seeing what cake she chose for me :)

But, it will be a weird birthday without Mr J here. 

The best bit about my birthday?- it signifies exactly 3 months until Christmas day haha

🦋🦋🦋

Cinema during covid

And we're off. Me in the boot, Miss G, friend 1 and Miss A in the middle and then friend 2 up front with Hubby.

All day I have been trying to rest my body and keep my mind distracted. With five girls in the house overnight and here this morning it hasn't been easy. They are lovely girls and all get on with things between themselves, pausing for food and drinks.

We have two bedrooms with two in each and the chill out room had one in too.

I couldn't sleep last night but it eventually did go quiet upstairs around 3.30am. It was still all quiet at 4.45am, 6am and then they were all up for breakfast before I finally gave up on any sleep at 10am. Apparently they were hoping for pancakes but sadly we didn't have everything needed for that today.

I have been practicing mindfulness (load of rubbish I think... It doesn't help me at the moment anyway), keeping my mind still by colouring in a book full of positive quotations and also began my Mums coffee time journal from Funschooling, but got stuck after a couple of pages.

I did speak to the mental health access team today too. I had a phone call and had already decided it wasn't worth hiding anything because I know I need some help. It turns out they are just a signposting service. So my GP referred me to them for them to refer me to a secondary level mental health team.

Twice now people have said that they don't understand why healthy minds wouldn't see me. I have explained twice but get the feeling they aren't hearing me.

The wait for this next place is around six weeks apparently, but if I need to talk I can call the access team. She assured me it would have nothing to do with social services, it is just about getting me help.

Other than that, I spent some time trying to get gold, glittery, sequinned slime out of friend 1's blanket and toy moses basket with frills. Every now and then I had to stop and remind myself it was just slime, not the vomit it resembled. 

Thankfully I managed to pick a lot of it off then use a soft toothbrush with a mix of white vinegar and warm water to get the rest off.

So now we are on our way to a drive in cinema to watch a family friendly film I have never seen before. 

On arrival there were movie quotes to keep us entertained as we were guided to our parking spot. 

A quick scan of the QR code and we could order food and drinks to be delivered to the car. Brilliant idea. 

Whilst the children all ate their McDonald's, we ate vegan, gluten free pizza and steak with chips. Delicious. 

All four girls ran off their energy veforw the start of the movie, took a few photos and then settled back in the car, just as the storm arrived. 

The film was really good. Friend 1 slept most of the way through it, friend 2 tried her best to sleep and just managed it at the end of the movie. It was almost as if we were in a 4D film with the storm, rain and on screen storm over the sea. It was a truly immersove experience. I was fortunate to find the same film available on one of the movie apps I have so was able to watch it along with the radio sound from the drive in

Now we are on our way home. Driving through the estate of the country home where it was set, carefully watching out for the free roaming sheep along the way. Sadly the boards on the exit aren't as entertaining as they were on the entrance, but Miss A keeps asking at each one regardless.

We have already booked our next drive in here and I can't wait.