Over the last couple of weeks it feels as if time has been crawling slowly towards the end of September. As an individual, I have started to try and recover from the events of this year (and I don't include covid-19 in that).I am trying my best to not try and contact Mr J any more. Every time I ring and he doesn't answer, it cuts a little more into my heart. The messages that aren't even read, texts unanswered and, despite the help of all mutual contacts (except his father's family) him still ignoring me, all hurt. I am certain he knows that, somewhere deep inside him. I have gone through phases of thinking with it all. At first I just expected him to answer. Then, when it became clear that was not going to happen easily, I thought maybe, if I kept ringing it would annoy him enough to answer, even if just to shout at me. That didn't work either. So I gave up trying. But then, the one time my phone was in another room from me, on charge, I missed a call from him. I took that as a sign he might be open to speaking to me, so tried ringing again. It sent me right back to the beginning of the process.
More recently, I have been trying my hardest to leave him be. To not try any more to contact him. I know he has PDA, I know answering the calls and texts is a demand. I understand that means he will try to avoid it. But, it feels so wrong too.
To try and make myself feel a little better I have had my hair dyed a couple of times.
(photo of me having my newly dyed pink and blue hair dried)
My husband has been dying it for me, using semi permanent hair dye by Crazy Color. It it so easy to use and I am not allergic to it (yes, I was amazed too).
Miss A, Miss G and their friend have all had their hair dyed too- I spent one day dying their hair, one after the other. We did try Manic Panic dye, but it didn't last long in their hair and seemed to leak onto their skin, but we didn't have that problem before. I have stopped making myself feel bad for the weight gain on all these medications and bought a capsule wardrobe of clothes that are the right size for me and that I actually like.
I have also been trying to get out and about to new, accessible places locally, with the excuse of the dogs needing a walk.
(photo taken over the stone wall of a reservoir, looking across the water to the other side, surrounded with trees)
We were able to walk all the way around this reservoir. There was also a path that lead off the main route, towards a waterfall. It was pretty bumpy, but I managed to get almost to the end...so close, but not to the waterfall.
With the weather changing, my hayfever has kicked in now, making outdoor trips more difficult and painful. Just this afternoon I ventured out into the back garden to check on our plants and flowers. Within an hour of returning inside my eye has been streaming, itching and hurting. But, we do have these out there...
(three photos of flowers from my garden. One is a large purple flower in full bloom, then french lavender and finally a pink and yellow rose)
and our mystery fruit bush is growing well, so it might bear fruit next season, as might our strawberries and pineberries.
I have excavated a cavemand from a plaster block, painted an abstract painting for our wall, cleaned what I can, coloured in another two colouring books and tried reading as much as I can, but Ican't concentrate enough.
Sleep is still eluding me. I was still awake at 4am today. But I am still going.
This afternoon I discovered a new song called Who I Am, by an artist called Roma. Apparently she donates all her income from singing to charity.
Tomorrow is my birthday. Nine days ago would have been my Grandma's birthday, and inbetween the two are the birthdays of my inlaws. Miss A is so excited about my birthday and keeps asking if I am too. On goes the mummy face with the smile, nod and reassurance that, of course I am. But really? I am looking forward to a meal out together with no drama. I am looking forward to a day of knowing, for certain, without having to stop and think about it or work it out, how old I am. I am also looking forward to seeing what cake she chose for me :)
But, it will be a weird birthday without Mr J here.
The best bit about my birthday?- it signifies exactly 3 months until Christmas day haha
🦋🦋🦋
